Ripping my Heart Out

The headline is: the tests are in and The Captain was recommended for a residential treatment for his addiction. It is not what he was hoping for, which is heart breaking, but probably what is needed. 

I grew up in a small community in which alcoholism was endemic. Thus, I've been fortunate to grow up in a context in which people with addictions are understood and cared for but not judged. I am grateful to have been spared the susceptibility to that particular struggle and so I have spent the summer educating myself about the nature of addiction. Let me say, though, in brutal honesty, sex addition is not something people want to talk about. A lot of people don't believe it's a real thing and social mores don't allow open and honest conversation around anything so scary. 

So here I am, Mom to a kid a year from being a legal adult, and hoping with all my heart that there truly is a cure for his addiction. Because I am here to tell you, it's a real thing. My greatest fear is that he will not get better and wind up in big prison. What I am less sure about is if this kid will be able to let go and get better because the one thing I've learned in my summer of research is this: the addicted person has to want to let go of the addiction. We need something akin to a miracle here. 

Years ago when had just adopted our first baby, I had read one million parenting books. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Adoption takes a while, so I read 8 or 9 parenting books. My sister-in-law, best bud, and work mate, Sharon, would occasionally try to give me advice. So she would say something and I'd reply "well, yes, but research says . . . (blah blah blah)."  

Then she would laugh and say, "Oh yes, I forgot, you're a BOOK parent. You have the manual. You'll be okay."  Which after you've been a parent six months you realize is a joke because obviously, there is no manual! I did eventually calm down and start taking people's advice, just so you know. It was truly heartbreaking that Sharon, who was my soulmate, died when my oldest two were only 8 and 6 and I never really got to capitalize on all her parenting experience. However, her hand is on the rudder at times like today. 

I started writing this at 4:30 AM after a very fitful night. Our boy called last night, pretty frantic. On Saturday, when I'd seen him, he'd been sad, but fairly calm. Now the panic is setting in. I've seen this in friends who are headed to rehab. There is real fear in having to let go of something that literally takes up your whole life. So my night was hard because even when it's best, we don't want our kids to suffer. We know they have to do that suffering themselves but we would love to take it for them if we could. 

Send The Captain your good thoughts, your prayers, your love, and your warrior arrows -- he needs it all. It's going to take every outpouring of good will toward him to shore him up. Later he will probably be able to get snail mail and if that happens, I'll let you know how I can give you the details. For now, we'll have to trust the heart space to deliver; it's trustworthy.

I'm a little worried that the details are not ironed out yet. The juvenile justice system lacks in the way of communication but we will find out more today. We have a hearing and the judge will rule if he will for certain go to residential treatment. If so, the next few days are going to be very hard on him. Watching my child go through this is ripping my heart out. 

I'll do it though, because I know I can. "I've got 'the manual', I'll be okay!"  We all will. 

Life Lessons

 The past few weeks have been a roil of emotions for me. I've flip-flopped between being stuck in the blues and then popping out into manic mama "have to fix it" modality. All of this has been an amazing lesson in resilience and patience. One of my mentors, Charles Thompson, said that every moment, life graciously gives us exactly what we need. Bullseye. 

We are waiting on a report to be written. This report will determine the type and level of help that The Captain will receive for his next steps. He is being super patient waiting for this report and somehow maintaining his mental clarity. I'm not doing as well. I am constantly worrying about him, having nightmares, not sleeping . . . the whole gambit. I worry that he will believe we don't love him and are punishing him for his addiction. He's a kid. Kids blame themselves for everything and almost nothing is actually their fault. I worry that he is losing hope and believing himself unloved. It's all really complicated.

In the meantime, I get life lessons! Yay! Yet that is what we get, right? Just as my mentor said. 

Years ago, I read that we can stress-proof our lives by learning to "sit" in the discomforts of life without having to fix them. Hooyboy, am I ever stress-proofing my future these days. I think that is the entire description of raising a teenager! So much happens to, around and about them that you can only watch and not fix; it's mind boggling. There is a world of things we want to insulate and protect them from and it's simply not possible. 

For me then, the hope lies in connection. Saturday, I went to see this sweet child and I went with the intention to have a deep connection with him. I did not have a plan for how to make this connection, just an intention to be open and forthcoming and to connect on a

deep level. We somehow started talking about when I first met him. I don't even know how that conversation started but it was GREAT because I don't think he's ever asked about it. I got to describe our first meeting which he does not remember as he was non-verbal at the time. Then I was talking about when we used to go to attachment therapy with Ms. Pat and he remembered things about it I did NOT remember until he mentioned them! That was thrilling to me because he was only 3 years old at the time. We had such a sweet and connecting conversation. I hope that when I walked away, he remembered that he was truly loved and wanted and treasured. 

All of this has reminded me that in this world of Insta-Everything, we do not do too much real

connecting. We text instead of call. We leave pics on Instagram instead of writing letters. Remember letters?  These things are not all bad, not at all, but we have lost some things too. I am resolving to make some phone calls to connect, and to write some letters to some people that I want to uplift, 

Apparently, since I still don't know anything about The Captain's future, I am also going to keep stress-proofing my life a little longer. I'll keep you posted. Let me know what life lessons you're learning lately!