So I guess if you read my last two posts, you are probably thinking, this is not at all helpful! In retrospect, I should have pre-written these three posts so I could have released them close together. Hindsight is great and that is not my life these days so here we are! But here is the third post -- the yes, but how, post -- and sorry it was not more closely on the heels of It's Been a Minute and The Sound of Bells. I should have warned you that my life is a fast-moving train and sometime that train does not stop very long! Suffice it to say there have been a couple of emergencies -- both at home and work -- in the past two weeks. All is well now, and I'm back!
Here is the thing about forming your family through adoption and foster care: it's a surprise bag. I know, I know, you don't know what's inside that gene package of genetic children either, but you have a pretty good idea of the outside forces that acted upon that child both inside and outside the womb. What happens in adoption is that these babies come to us with trauma they don't know about themselves, can't know about and can't talk about. We don't know about it, can't know about it, but it's our job to help them survive it and overcome it.
First, though, we have to get ourselves through. For that, you need a plan, a system, a blueprint or a map -- a way through.
In the real crisis moments, the crisis is what carries you through, but in the days afterward, you need a tribe. I started building my Mama tribe in my early years of parenting and homeschooling so a lot of my tribe are the mamas who homeschooled with me when the Bigs were little plus some Adoptive parents I met in the early days. The tribe has grown over the years and now includes other teachers, grandmas, and other foster-to-adopt parents too.
Our families are our go-to support system, for sure but life is long and you will need more! If your children are young, heed my warning: start branching out now! No family has arms big enough to hold you through all your child's life. You may need your own Mama tribe at some point.
Find a creative outlet of some sort. Remember before our phones were our cameras and Insta was our family album? Back in the "olden days" I scrapbooked . . . for HOURS. It was an amazing creative outlet. Now I knit. Equally time consuming and expensive but less to show for it. I cook, all the time. I read recipes and cookbooks and learn how to make ridiculous things no one here would eat. I spend entire summer days making things no one SHOULD eat. It's pure bliss.
Professional help will, at times, be required. Both for the child and for you. From time to time, people are going to hand you list of various kinds of counselors that work with adopted children. Hold onto those lists. You may not need them now but one day they will come in handy. Find counselors that specialize in adoption. If your child(ren) came from foster care, find someone who deals with trauma. This can be VERY HARD. Don't give up. Keep asking. Call that number on the insurance card, ask the counselor at your child's school, ask your pediatrician and ask other parents. Someone knows someone . . . you might just have to get lucky to find them. There is a shortage of people working with these kids but your persistence will pay off. Do not give up.
Don't forget to deal with your own trauma. Get help for yourself. You need someone whose only objective is to help you. You or your spouse's job, may even have something called EAP, Employee Assistance Program, which gives 8 free counseling sessions every year. Take advantage of it --that's what it's there for. Again, you may have to be a little persistent, but don't give up.
Ask the school for help. Trust me, if you are having this much trouble with your child at home, the school is also having some mighty struggles. Those calls you are getting are only 10% of what is actually happening at school. Ask the school what they think is going on with your child. What do they recommend? They will be tactful but they will have some ideas. Teachers and administrators see a lot of kids. They probably have a good guess as to what is going on and a suggestion for next steps. They may recommend you ask your pediatrician for a certain kind of testing or they may ask you if the school can do some kind of testing. Personally, I'd consider it. At least you can rule out some things.
Ask your pediatrician if medication will help. If you are still reading this long post, you need help. No one wants their child to need medicine but you do want your child to succeed. You can decide to try it. Try it for a semester of school and see if your child is more successful at school and home and then decide if you want to continue. Keep notes for a few days on all that is going on so when you go to the doctor you don't freeze up and forget to say some things. Sometimes, I hand them the notes so I don't have to say all the things in front of the kids, since the kids don't really like it. You can do that too.
Call your local MHMR for more resources. You need a case manager. We did not have good case management in the past, but we have it now and it's amazing. They offer a lot. 2 of our 3 youngest are in case management and it does make a difference. Some insurance programs ALSO offer case management services. Superior Medicaid does, for instance, and suddenly, we have so much more from them than we had before!
And if you have done all this and you are still struggling, I feel you. I have been where you are. Try to remember, it's a season. It's not all day, every day. It will get better. Do this: start over at the top of the list. Rebuild your tribe. Find respite care. Somehow, some way, you have GOT to have a break. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Just get this this hour, this moment and know, you will be okay. When you lay down tonight, take deep breaths, pat yourself on the heart, and tell yourself, "well done, you did your best."
It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Don't give up. You have this. Thank you for the difference you making.
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