Finding my Feet

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go to Knoxville to spend the weekend in a More to Life training re-grounding myself. It has been a rough few weeks with one of the kids and I needed time to recommit to my purpose in parenting. 

I appreciate that wherever I am, I get to benefit from the wisdom and experience of those around me. Having some distance allows me to see with my heart what I was struggling (and failing) to see with my brain. Mostly I see how blessed I am.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom. Have I said that lately? It's true. I planned it from the moment I could make plans. Mom and teacher. Teacher and mom. That was THE plan. It took me a good long time to get to both of them but I did eventually get to both, in spades. And then I was blessed with these five beautiful, sweet-hearted children. They are truly, each of them very kind, loving, generous and good. They all love me, which is AMAZING, and I am so very grateful to have them. 

Other adoptive parents will understand. There is a weird experience we have in which people say to us, "You did a good thing, adopting these kids" (or something of that nature), usually in reference to foster kids. Know this. It was never that way. The big secret is: we all went into for ourselves. We came to adoption because it was how we got to be parents. It was for US. And if you know much about adoption you know, grief and pain is a part of the process, especially for the adopted person. It's an extremely hard road. It is really never a clear path for most adopted people and can often remain unresolved forever. It's so very challenging, if not devastating. So to have someone say we did something that was in some way "good," is awkward and really hard to know what to do with. And even more so when we are struggling in our parental role.

But I digress. Knoxville happened. I went in knowing I wanted to handle some surprises of the past couple weeks that I hadn't really processed. I wanted a way forward that was both proactive and loving, as opposed to reactive and defensive. I unearthed that out there. Among the truths I uncovered were these simple ones: 

My purpose as a parent is to love.  

I can count on Life to deliver the lessons. 

Yep you heard that right. My purpose is to love! No more long lectures are needed! I can count on Life to deliver the lessons. I know that's true because I've had plenty delivered to me! 

A friend of mine said it well last weekend. He said,: "I'm laying down the drama of the teaching parent. My new parenting style is Love First". Every day this man is going to pray for an open and loving heart and every night, he is going to ask himself: How did I show love and acceptance to my children today? 

It's beautiful, isn't it? 

I can hear you doubting right now. "All this love stuff sounds too pie in the sky", you say. Too hippy dippy. Well, let me tell you, when you have walked on this dusty road I've been on for the past 13 years with these last 3 precious ones, there are some diamonds that get uncovered in the trenches and one of
those gems is this:

I, Dreena Tischler, am most definitely not in charge of anyone

                                                                        (except myself).

That's right. My part is to love, because in the end, that's actually all I can do. We've done the teaching  . . . at this point, the choosing is up to them. They have to get their own life-shocks and their own learning; and we hope it is not all the hard way. And apparently, some of it is.

We're all still learning, right?  

So that's me, right here, right now. I've found my feet again and it's a good place for me to be in. I am grateful.

PS - I've had queries about our middle child. He's entered his rehab program and is in good spirits. He's in the beginning phases and we are hopeful. Send your arrows of love through the ether! Right now he can't have cards or visitors aside from "Dad" and me, but maybe one day. They are in a lock down situation. Actually, if you want to wish him well, you can email me or send me a card and I can save it until he can have it. That could work. Or I can read it to him over the phone. He gets calls. So if you want to help, there's a way. Bless you!

Ripping my Heart Out

The headline is: the tests are in and The Captain was recommended for a residential treatment for his addiction. It is not what he was hoping for, which is heart breaking, but probably what is needed. 

I grew up in a small community in which alcoholism was endemic. Thus, I've been fortunate to grow up in a context in which people with addictions are understood and cared for but not judged. I am grateful to have been spared the susceptibility to that particular struggle and so I have spent the summer educating myself about the nature of addiction. Let me say, though, in brutal honesty, sex addition is not something people want to talk about. A lot of people don't believe it's a real thing and social mores don't allow open and honest conversation around anything so scary. 

So here I am, Mom to a kid a year from being a legal adult, and hoping with all my heart that there truly is a cure for his addiction. Because I am here to tell you, it's a real thing. My greatest fear is that he will not get better and wind up in big prison. What I am less sure about is if this kid will be able to let go and get better because the one thing I've learned in my summer of research is this: the addicted person has to want to let go of the addiction. We need something akin to a miracle here. 

Years ago when had just adopted our first baby, I had read one million parenting books. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Adoption takes a while, so I read 8 or 9 parenting books. My sister-in-law, best bud, and work mate, Sharon, would occasionally try to give me advice. So she would say something and I'd reply "well, yes, but research says . . . (blah blah blah)."  

Then she would laugh and say, "Oh yes, I forgot, you're a BOOK parent. You have the manual. You'll be okay."  Which after you've been a parent six months you realize is a joke because obviously, there is no manual! I did eventually calm down and start taking people's advice, just so you know. It was truly heartbreaking that Sharon, who was my soulmate, died when my oldest two were only 8 and 6 and I never really got to capitalize on all her parenting experience. However, her hand is on the rudder at times like today. 

I started writing this at 4:30 AM after a very fitful night. Our boy called last night, pretty frantic. On Saturday, when I'd seen him, he'd been sad, but fairly calm. Now the panic is setting in. I've seen this in friends who are headed to rehab. There is real fear in having to let go of something that literally takes up your whole life. So my night was hard because even when it's best, we don't want our kids to suffer. We know they have to do that suffering themselves but we would love to take it for them if we could. 

Send The Captain your good thoughts, your prayers, your love, and your warrior arrows -- he needs it all. It's going to take every outpouring of good will toward him to shore him up. Later he will probably be able to get snail mail and if that happens, I'll let you know how I can give you the details. For now, we'll have to trust the heart space to deliver; it's trustworthy.

I'm a little worried that the details are not ironed out yet. The juvenile justice system lacks in the way of communication but we will find out more today. We have a hearing and the judge will rule if he will for certain go to residential treatment. If so, the next few days are going to be very hard on him. Watching my child go through this is ripping my heart out. 

I'll do it though, because I know I can. "I've got 'the manual', I'll be okay!"  We all will. 

Life Lessons

 The past few weeks have been a roil of emotions for me. I've flip-flopped between being stuck in the blues and then popping out into manic mama "have to fix it" modality. All of this has been an amazing lesson in resilience and patience. One of my mentors, Charles Thompson, said that every moment, life graciously gives us exactly what we need. Bullseye. 

We are waiting on a report to be written. This report will determine the type and level of help that The Captain will receive for his next steps. He is being super patient waiting for this report and somehow maintaining his mental clarity. I'm not doing as well. I am constantly worrying about him, having nightmares, not sleeping . . . the whole gambit. I worry that he will believe we don't love him and are punishing him for his addiction. He's a kid. Kids blame themselves for everything and almost nothing is actually their fault. I worry that he is losing hope and believing himself unloved. It's all really complicated.

In the meantime, I get life lessons! Yay! Yet that is what we get, right? Just as my mentor said. 

Years ago, I read that we can stress-proof our lives by learning to "sit" in the discomforts of life without having to fix them. Hooyboy, am I ever stress-proofing my future these days. I think that is the entire description of raising a teenager! So much happens to, around and about them that you can only watch and not fix; it's mind boggling. There is a world of things we want to insulate and protect them from and it's simply not possible. 

For me then, the hope lies in connection. Saturday, I went to see this sweet child and I went with the intention to have a deep connection with him. I did not have a plan for how to make this connection, just an intention to be open and forthcoming and to connect on a

deep level. We somehow started talking about when I first met him. I don't even know how that conversation started but it was GREAT because I don't think he's ever asked about it. I got to describe our first meeting which he does not remember as he was non-verbal at the time. Then I was talking about when we used to go to attachment therapy with Ms. Pat and he remembered things about it I did NOT remember until he mentioned them! That was thrilling to me because he was only 3 years old at the time. We had such a sweet and connecting conversation. I hope that when I walked away, he remembered that he was truly loved and wanted and treasured. 

All of this has reminded me that in this world of Insta-Everything, we do not do too much real

connecting. We text instead of call. We leave pics on Instagram instead of writing letters. Remember letters?  These things are not all bad, not at all, but we have lost some things too. I am resolving to make some phone calls to connect, and to write some letters to some people that I want to uplift, 

Apparently, since I still don't know anything about The Captain's future, I am also going to keep stress-proofing my life a little longer. I'll keep you posted. Let me know what life lessons you're learning lately!

Turning it Down

Have you ever noticed how certain dates bring to mind actual family photographs in your mind? Like, growing up, when someone said "Easter," an old family photo from my childhood came to mind. I'm not even sure I had a memory of that particular Easter; I had a memory of that photo and embedded with the memory was the idea of a purer, simpler time. Fast forward to now where we just celebrated Independence Day. Forever onward, this photo of "The Littles" will be my 4th of July memory pic. 👈

 

Life was not exactly simpler back then -- although it's human nature to romanticize the past--but the complications were different. Back then, we had a plethora of logistical complications. Little kids eat throughout the day. Young children need constant scrutiny. A family of 7 dirties a lot of laundry. We had behavior complications for sure, but they were more straightforward, or more straightforward seeming. Back then, they had names, like: PTSD or Attachment Disorder.  

These days, they have labels, like "traumatized kid" or "emotional disturbance." The difference between then and now, is that back then, the "things" somehow seemed "solvable." Let me set the record straight, that was never true. My kids -- nor yours -- did not come with a list of things I needed to fix. It's mama-nature; we fix things. But here's the rub. Our kids are not broken. Like us, they've been shaped by their pasts and are being shaped by their lives today. It's our job, not to "fix" them, but to help them navigate this world so they are one day ready to face it as independently as possible. 

I have a child who takes 4 different medicines for anxiety, mood stabilization and ADHD: 3 in the morning and 1 each in the afternoon and at night. Medicine is not enough though. It takes parenting. We are constantly asking ourselves, "What am I doing to make this better or in what way am I helping manifast this behavior?" 

What I'm not saying: I'm not saying parents are to blame for all their kids' struggles. This may be extra true if your kids came with fully packed bags. However, we know we contribute, right? 

We enable, 

    we cajole, 

        we cave, 

            we exacerbate,     

                we antagonize

                    we incite.

It's important to be honest about these things. It's essential, after a blow-up or an incident, that all the adults involved sit down and take a clear and honest look at his or her own part. In what way did I do any of those things? Sometimes we say the child came home from school "spoiling for a fight," and we know that sometimes we come home from work the same way. When we saw the child was upset, did we "poke the bear?" Did we argue with an upset child, knowing full well that arguing solves nothing? When the child says, "I'll just leave," did we say, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"?

Those are the obvious things. Often, it's more subtle. When something went wrong, instead of waiting for a calmer time to mete out a reasonable consequence, we yelled out, "No screens for 2 weeks," and when his response was a slammed door, we yelled out, "Make it 3." On the surface, it looks okay, because a consequence was warranted. In reality, nothing needed to or should have been decided in the heat of the moment. Emergency measures did not need to be taken. 

I'm learning to listen for the warning bell clanging in my head. It reminds me of something you'd hear aboard a ship: "clang, clang, clang." When I hear that clanging, which seems to say, "Take control now," I know that is my signal . . . instead . . . to step down and do NOTHING." That little voice I'm hearing is only going to turn the volume up to 11 and everything is going to get much worse the minute I try to bring it under my control. 

If you can notice that feeling in yourself that is prompting you to act in a hasty, rash or punitive way, and recognize it, then you can heed that as your warning bell and choose NOT to act when you know you are in that state. As long as there is no safety concern, walk away and address the situation later. It will lead to a better outcome for everyone. Instead, let's turn  it down to a 3 and offer a metered and thoughtful response that offers a lasting benefit to both of you.

Cheers

Seeing the World Through "Me-Colored" Glasses

 Yesterday I had a heartbreaking moment with Tink. A friend and I were talking about cats and how we loved our cats. I said that I had done the impossible for me, that I actually loved this particular cat so much that it would be my last cat. Our friend agreed. She too had an extraordinarily loveable cat, "a member of the family. She's not replaceable," our friend remarked. "How could we just get another cat?"

At that point, Tink looked up from her drawing and said, "Yeah, it would be like if you had a kid and gave it up for adoption and then just went and had some more kids."

The conversation got interrupted right then by the door or the dogs but oh, how that stabbed my heart! What a profound and honest statement. I got a chance to talk to her about it later but I know I can't ever really understand that pain of being "given away" and then replaced, which is how she sees it. 

Grief is inherent in adoption. Any book on adoption reiterates this point over and over but it is impossible to truly understand. And I know that I am only seeing "dimly" -- like through scratched sunglasses -- or in a not-funhouse mirror -- that I have no true idea what they are going through.

When your kids first come to you, they grieve for their caregivers and their original families. That part is tough, very tough. It breaks your heart. Kids, especially little ones, are resilient and crave connection, so that stage is eclipsed by everyday activities and the business of building a life together. They are grieving, for sure, but they carry on. 

For many adopted persons, it's the age of self awareness where the grief really begins to set in. As if middle school and all it encompasses were not enough to deal with, children also become much more aware of the differences between themselves and their adoptive families and also begin to deal with the pain of losing their original families.

It's such a personal and private loss; made even more difficult when you're worried about breaking your adoptive parents hearts. Even though we always speak openly with our kids about being adopted and the circumstances surrounding our family, none of that prepares them for the pain of coming to terms with it on a heart level. 

The grief of adoption is like any other loss; it lays dormant for a while and then, when least expected, hits you like a brick to the face. Tinker -- in that moment -- listening to us talking about cats for crying out loud and her seeing herself as having been given away -- no, actually thrown away -- and then replaced. Is it any wonder this child craves love and attention? 

Remember being an adolescent? It was so awful! I'm too tall, too short; too skinny, too fat; too dark too fair, too curly too straight. Whatever I am, is never enough. 40 years later with so much of my childhood a blur, those pains remain sharp and clear in my memory. Add to that a belief that you were literally unwanted  by the person who gave you life. Can you imagine the pain?

Image by creatifrankenstein from Pixabay 

PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT saying that it is true that these were her birth mother's intentions at all. I do not in any way think that. My thoughts, however, are not relevant here. What I'm talking about is a child's core belief. And this core belief was incidentally exposed in this little conversation, thankfully, so now can be cared for and treated kindly. 

It reminds me once again that I always have to be mindful of the lenses through which children view their world. We treat the "wounds" we see, but the ones that need the most care and attention are the ones we can't see. I have to find a way to look through the "me colored" glasses my kids are wearing to have the compassion and wisdom to get them the help they need. 

AFTERWORD: I spoke to The Blitz about this later, to see how he felt about it. He said, "I understand it wasn't voluntary. It was her only choice and the other kids . . . they were to fill the hole in her heart." 

 

Tinker Turns the Page on Another Year

 I turned around twice and this baby is 15 years old! It seems like a heartbeat. Have I even slept? Being a middle child myself, I appreciate that middle children are firecrackers. It's what keeps life interesting! And life with Tinker is definitely always fun and interesting.  (When your birthday is on the last week of school and your mom's a teacher, the news takes a minute to post!)

We just finished another season of softball and she was fortunate again to be drafted onto a team with another great coach who was super patient and taught her a lot. She is in JROTC and it's her favorite thing about high school. She has always  loved school but this is her absolute best thing ever. It's exercise, it's competition, you don't have to be quiet or sit much, there aren't too many girls; it's made for her! 

Don't let your brother cut your hair

Tink's big goal right now is to earn the right to take Driver's Ed next summer. We set up a program so that she can objectively earn it and I promise you, like everything she sets her mind to, she will get there. I'll do a post on what we came up with, program-wise, in a few days.

The girl is learning to cook. It's a miracle. So far, she's made shells and homemade marinara sauce and then, last night, Mediterranean Couscous Bowls. She's doing great!

Scroll down for a couple more snaps of our girl through the years. 

Pasta shells w/ Marinara

 

Mediterranean Couscous Bowls

 

The BIG, Bad THING - Suicide

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Some of my earliest memories center around a family tragedy that was only whispered about in my family for years. We had a tacit agreement to keep it under wraps, like most "unpleasantries" in families. Now, 60 years later, I hope we know better.

My grandfather killed himself when I was 4 years old. He made an attempt when we were visiting, one which I thwarted. He succeeded as soon as we left town. Two days later we were back for the burial.

We know now that depression can have a strong genetic tie, and that suicide, in particular, has a tendency to be contagious, especially when not spoken about. And it can seem very hard to talk about. 

We blame ourselves. We blame each other. We think if we talk about it, it might make someone uncomfortable or it give them ideas. This is NOT TRUE. They already have the idea. In order to stem the tide of suicide, we have to talk about it. 

Depression is the leading cause of suicide. It is is the 2nd leading cause of death in teens. 4 times as many males take their lives as females. In my family, as far as I know, 5 people died by suicide, 4 were male. There is suicide risk in both sides of my gene pool. A history of trauma and/or PTSD increases the risk of suicide exponentially.

I am writing this  after one of my kids recently tried to take their life for the third time. My greatest fear is that the next time, they'll succeed. This time, it was really close.

How do you know if someone is considering suicide? Here are some warning signs: (source)

• The recent suicide, or death by other means, of a friend or relative.
• Preoccupation with themes of death or expressing suicidal thoughts.
• Depression, conduct disorder and problems with adjustment such as substance abuse, particularly when two or more of these are present.
• Giving away prized possessions
• Major changes in sleep patterns - too much or too little.
• Withdrawal from friends/ family or other major behavioral changes.
• Dropping out of group activities.
• Lack of interest in the future.

This year at school, we had a very good training on suicide. It was about plain speaking. If you think someone is considering suicide, you MUST ASK THEM. 

• Are you considering suicide?
• Do you have a plan?
• Do you have a time frame?
• Have you talked to someone?
• Can we call 988 (the Suicide Lifeline) together? 

Importantly, DON'T leave the person alone. 

Thanks for reading. Please share. We don't talk about this enough.